Quick recap: Catch up on the first week's episodes of Farmer Wants A Wife 2022

The first episode kicked off with voiceovers of things like "I want someone I just can't live without" and "I deeply crave a companion". You know, the kind of things we hear farmers say everyday.

We get the introductions - Farmer Paige is a stationhand at Cassilis, NSW. We watch her riding her horse through a paddock.

Farmer Benjamin is a fifth generation sheep farmer, who I am pretty sure is Costa Georgiadis' long-lost brother, is from Guyra, NSW, and is also a DJ and very artistic. He also likes dancing with his sheep.

Farmer Will has the ladies hyperventilating. One chick said of the cropping and sheep farmer from Berriwillock, Victoria: "He looks like a young Brad Pitt riding his tractor".

Farmer Harry is a dairy farmer from Kyabram, Victoria. He tells us "I am told I am pretty handsome by my mum". He also loves McLeod's Daughters a lot. He chooses one lady because her name is Tess.

Farmer Ben is another dairy farmer from Wingham, NSW, and has a three-year-old daughter.

Host Nat informs us that she is being joined by her "cupid-in-arms, Australia's favourite country girl" Sam Armytage. Later we come to understand what this means - Sam bustling in and telling everyone how to live with a farmer.

We get lots of shots of excited ladies jumping out of cars and squealing. Some blokes do too, with only slightly less squealing.

They plonk the farmers at random places and they each get to meet their hopefuls. There is lots of chatting, boat rowing, poems and chooks on the cheese platter. Your usual first date.

The farmers ask really important questions: "Do you want kids?", "Do you like farms?" and the big one - "Have you ever smelt cow poo?". One lady says she likes dairy products so she clearly should marry a dairy farmer. There is so much logical thinking going on. Most women have dug deep to find an experience from childhood when they stayed on/visited/drove past a farm so they could retell it to their farmer. They also gush about loving the outdoors while feverishly swatting insects.

They all have dinner. Then the farmers choose their final draft of five ladies to take to the farm.

It's sad for the girls who aren't chosen. I remember when I was a kid we had been dipping sheep all day, and I sat down sopping wet and tired and the contractor's dog walked up, cocked its leg and peed on my back. That is exactly how these ladies are feeling.

Full version of Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives 1: Getting to know our farmers

There are more meetings going on here than a shire council sub-committee.

Farmer Costa...sorry, Benjamin gets rolling on the speed dates, combining stylish chats with some woeful dancing.

Background footage shows Paige tearing around a paddock on that most classic of farm bikes, the Honda CT110, more commonly known as a postie scooter. She forgets Dylan's name and flags concern at Marty's gambling habit.

Just in time to help grease the wheels of romance, love counselor Sam Farmytage suddenly appears to inform both groups they'll be having respective group dinners.

Farmer Benjamin and his ladies dine the night away, with wine, wine and wine. The phrase "heart palpitations" crops up a bit which we wonder is more to do with the alcohol consumption than feelings of intimacy.

Then Postie Paige and Farmer Benjamin Georgiadis choose who to take back to the farm. Farmer Benjamin compliments the ladies by saying they are "all so groovy" and rates them 16 out of 10, which does nothing for his credibility among maths teachers. The selective Postie Paige only invites four lads back to the farm.

With this done, all five farmers are told they can choose a person for a 24-hour date prior to the other contenders turning up. Farmer Harry invites Gabrielle, Farmer Benjamin invites Lyndsay, Farmer Paige invites Dylan, Farmer Ben invites Leish and Farmer Will invites Alicia.

Farmer Ben and Leish go for a pash-up on the lounge, among a few hundred candles in jars.

Farmer Paige's plan hits a hiccup when Dylan calls in sick. Glen steps in as the back-up, although she reassures him he shouldn't feel like he was her second choice. Even though he was. They have a picnic on a rocky outcrop. By rocky outcrop, we are talking a surface that makes Mount Doom look like a garden path. It seems about as comfortable as a vegan at steak night.

On the way to his farm, Farmer Will informs Alicia what a goanna is. He then gets to work lighting approximately nine trillion candles in jars, placing them throughout the old, shearing shed, which seems sensible enough. Farmer Will says they are getting on like a house on fire, which we hope isn't a metaphor for the shed.

Farmer Harry (who is allergic to cow hair so it's a good thing he milks them and doesn't lick them) lets Gabrielle hand feed some poddy calves in her white Converse shoes. He lets on that he loves the sound of cows eating grass. Yep.

Farmer Benjamin and Lindsay talk about children. Should they end up married and have offspring, it's clear those kids are going to have hair like steel wool. They take the risk and kiss. Thankfully, they are far enough away from the jars of candles that their entangled hair doesn't ignite.

Full version of Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives Blog 2: Crazy dancing and a whole lot of candles in jars

Episode three of Farmer Wants A Wife has more meals of wine, a mad dash to the emergency department, one farmer got his yabby out, and one bunch of unsuspecting contestants were put to the ultimate "teste".

Carloads of lads and ladies bump their way into the properties, ready to interrogate the contestant who was permitted to arrive at the farm a full day before the others.

Over at Farmer Ben's Wingham property, Lauren says, "24 hours is huge"....which is true for cicadas.

Over at Costa's Guyra farm, Lindsay has a head start on her competitors. Costa tells us, "we kissed, and I liked it".

Farmer Harry and Gabrielle have a riveting conversation over pancakes at his Kyabram property. "Stuff to do," he offers. "Cows to milk," she replies.

The newbies are given tours of the houses, and properties, to take in "the green vistas", as Costa put it. It's blowing an absolute gale at his place; the ladies are rugged up and trying to hold their hats on, but they insist it's very calming.

Farmer Harry drags his ladies into the dairy for some cups on, cups off training. Ski lift operator Isabella proves she's a whizz.

Meanwhile, over at Cassilis, Farmer Paige's fellas are directed to give the rams a pre-joining once over by examining their testicles. Marty gets in there first and assures us the ram "is definitely good to go" before making an unnecessary comparison to his own set.

We jump back in the Toyota and zoom over to Farmer Will's place at Berriwillock.

He pulls up with the ladies at a watering hole (dirty dam), where he quickly strips off. The ladies swoon over his exposed bod and quickly follow him in. It is at this point that Farmer Will frightens them with his yabby. Perhaps not technically his yabby, but a yabby he caught in a net.

The farmers prep for dinner, and Farmer Ben dishes out the food, asking his now perfectly healthy ladies to "please tell me if your chicken isn't cooked"...um sure, Ben, they will phone you from ER in the morning once they've succumbed to salmonella poisoning.

Back to Cassilis, and poor old Paige can't take a trick. Handyman Marty leaves the farm with an unexplained medical emergency. He phones to say he's going to be in the hospital "for a little bit", which translates to forever.

The next day the Farmers all go on an intimate three-way date with the camera crew in toe. This date is designed to help the farmers decide who to send packing. They then sit down for awkward dinners at their respective properties, setting the scene for the next draft.

To cut a long story short, Costa sends home Courtney, Farmer Will sends Sahara packing, Farmer Ben breaks the bad news to Renee, while Farmer Harry loads Elise into the Toyota. Paige didn't have to worry about the elimination. She's almost out of carrots.

Full version of Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives Blog 3: Who is sent packing/falls critically ill this time around?