A Northern Territory horse trainer has the internet in stitches with her take on one of the country's biggest upcoming equine events, which she calls "the annual open season on Sugar Daddies".
Writing regular blogs and Territory tales under the banner 'Farmer's Wife Wants A Rum', Darwinite Rashida Khan's latest musings have gone viral, racking up more than 300 shares on social media in just a few days.
In her column, Ms Khan, a respected animal nutritionist, contract musterer and consultant for land management, who breeds and trains horses on a property south of Darwin, gives a hilarious insight into what really happens behind the scenes of one of Australia's biggest annual horse sales.
Read her tongue-in-cheek thoughts below.
As you may or may not be aware, the upcoming Nutrien Classic Sale is fast approaching. If you live under a very heavy rock, this event is an annual horse sale in Australia.
This annual event causes all kinds of excitement within the crazy horse lady community. There's the who's who of genetics, the who's who of training stables, and of course a lot of very expensive horses going under the hammer for a lot of money. It's a time when glasses are charged, live streams are watched, and wishes are indeed horses.
However, the most significant event that launches from this sale is the annual open season on Sugar Daddies.
Now let's face it, these horses are not cheap, in fact, no horses are cheap, so a girl has got to be resourceful in these hard times to acquire that dream pony.
Husbands are unreliable as they invariably buy tractors for this kind of money. And at this time of year, they suddenly become suspicious of any changes to their life insurance program or any surprise intimacy.
However, the men who wouldn't get so much as a "S'cuse Me" and an elbow to the ribs at the bar are suddenly assessed on their net worth and if they know a Peptoboonsmal from a Peptobismol.
The hunt is on
In a scene reminiscent of Shark Tank, the hunt is on.
As with any good hunting season, there is a dress code to ensure no innocent bystander or pedestrian finds themselves waving an auction paddle or clicking "bid".
The ladies are out in force and they mean business. Hitchley and Harrow Shirts (ruffle collar or not) are carefully tucked into clean jeans and if the stakes are really high, hat cans across the country pop open, and the "good hat" is brought out to play. Neck scarves are replaced with jewellery and farm nails are dealt with in a way that any good farrier would be proud of.
For the unwitting men who may find themselves in possession of a horse, and indeed in an agreement with a lady, this is a game of give and take.
First of all, peruse the Nutrien catalogue and familiarise yourself with the horses. I know at first glance it seems like a Dr Seuss book as there are lots of cats, and lots of hats being thrown around. Cats are good, Pepto anything is better, and Acres is best. Bays and blacks are worth money, chestnuts must have the breeding to back up the attitude, and every woman's a** looks best on a roany pony.
Now, what's the ROI on this? What's in it for the boys?
First of all, let's start small. Some ladies are only willing to offer up the feet pics. (Which might get you a chubby chestnut gelding with a few good miles on him by a decent sire and an unknown dam). But dear reader don't despair.
These are no ordinary feet pics, these feet have been lovingly enclosed in bamboo socks and Ariat boots for most of their life. These feet won't be found in crocs.
For the saucier ladies who are willing to put more on the table and step up to the HSH bay/black mare/slightly seasoned ready to put on the truck campdrafting horse, actual physical contact might be on offer.
As I firmly believe in each to their own, I won't go searching for detail here. But I do want to warn any man in this bracket that a woman who wants a working-bred horse, most likely wants a working-bred man.
So do your stretches, take your heart pills and stay away from the light.
Now for the real money, and I think we all know what horse I'm talking about. The stunning blue roan/bred in the purple/one of a kind/done all the miles/spunkiest horse in the catalogue.
Yeah ... that one!
That pony? If you're going to find a suitable investor, you'll need to break out the lingerie. And I don't mean the K-mart stuff. Go dig out the real deal and have him harder than Chinese algebra.
I shall be watching the sale with my wine and cheese.
Wishing the vendors all the best, wishing the huntresses new ponies, and for the Sugar Daddies - may the odds be ever in your favour.