Potential wives roll up with mix tapes and big personalities. One young woman opens up to the whole of Australia that she is MAD.
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Season 13, episode one of Farmer Wants A Wife has landed.
We are welcomed by the sound of birds and tender piano music and we wait for the familiar voice of Nat......
"Five new farmers are embarking on their biggest adventure yet, to find true love," Sam Farmytage announces.
Someone send out a search party for Nat.
Farmytage is our host this year.
We hear about the nine marriages, five defactos and the 25 farmer babies. It is unclear if that figure includes Farmer Will and Hayley's tot from season 11.
Just in case we had forgotten, we are once again reminded that Sam moved to the country (1.5 hours from Sydney) for love.
They've emptied out the shipping container from last year with all the set design paraphernalia.
There are more glass jars and festoon lights than you can poke a stick at, and I'm pretty sure I glimpse the firies poised with a hose just outside the barn in case one would-be wife knocks over a candle in her delirium.
The young women hoot and holler excitedly as their farmers rock up to the barrel room.
Some of them have dressed (only just) for the occasion.
Then they head off for their one-on-ones alone with each other.
When we say alone, we mean with two producers and six camera crew.
They demonstrate the high-tech nature of the love finding process by introducing iPads this year.
The farmers are frantically swiping away between the girls trying to find their EBVs on the sale page.
They perch up on decorated utes, sprawling verandahs, perfectly lit shearing sheds.
Across the board we hear aspiring wives regale their farmers with vom stories, while we hear inciteful snippets such as "my last relationship didn't last" and that they are "open to opening up".
This year we have identical twins - Rachel and Chelsea.
Fortunately, they are not vying for the same farmer (what a headache for the poor fella). Rachel is here for Brenton and Chelsea came to meet Matt.
They reveal the groundbreaking news that they "grew up together".
Farmer Brad, 32, Cootamundra, is first up. Straight away you can tell he's a fairly big unit.
His hat seems to be glued to his head. We know what that means.....
Anyone who has been on Tinder knows that a fella wearing a hat in every photo is bald as a badger's backside. You are fooling exactly nobody.
"He's not here for a hair cut," Farmytage jokes. Subtle.
We see him riding a horse through a crop of canola, which translates well visually but raised a few eyebrows among growers, I am sure.
Brenton, 26, Darriman, Victoria, is a self confessed shy guy who doesn't talk very much.
So he has decided to go on a television show where the chance of him being totally humiliated in front of a national audience is on the upper end of likely.
Poor Brenton looks as comfortable as a pair of five-inch stilettos, but he gets through the dating ordeal relatively unscathed.
Someone presents him with a mix tape, while another handballs a Sherrin at him.
Farmer Matt, 23, Bookham, maintains very good posture throughout the entire episode.
He wants someone to grow old with...or is that grow up with?
He also informs us he recently made a return to the saddle. Take from that what you will.
He meets student nurse Georgia, who, is worried she might be "too much" for him.
She interrogates him in the shearing shed surrounded by copious volumes of black wool. And she puts his mind at ease by announcing her "whole family thinks she is mad".
Matt asks Chelsea how she handles steep hills.
"Heels? Like heels," she asks, pointing to her feet.
"HILLS," he repeats.
"Oh hills, fine, totally fine" she says. Deep.
Before we know it, it's cull time.....
Clare, Morgan, Corista, Christina, and Natasha are drafted off to go back to Farmer Brad's place.
Farmer Brenton rounds up Sophie, Frankie, Breanna, Emily, and Rachel.
While Farmer Matt chooses Alice, Chelsea, Olivia, Annabelle, and Madison.
We have to wait and see who Farmer Andrew and Farmer David cull or keep on Tuesday night.
Hayley Warden
Hayley Warden is a digital journalist with ACM Agri based on the NSW South Coast.
Hayley Warden is a digital journalist with ACM Agri based on the NSW South Coast.
