What happens when you mix alcohol, a thousand festoon lights and being forced to smile and dance for seven hours straight?
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The Farmer Wants a Wife country ball!
And not-Nat Sam has already warned us it's going to be a bloodbath.
Unfortunately we have to wait for what feels like a shearing run to get to the blooming ball.
On all farms it is Clean Out a Trough Day - so the girls get to work.
After 11 minutes of work, they declare they smell and leave.
Over at Farmer Brenton's, they are cleaning out a trough that was last cleaned out before he was born.
We then see Frankie and Brenton in the first ever documented use of a seatbelt on a side-by-side.
Anyway, after all this rot, they polish their boots, get all dolled up and head to the country ball not-Nat Sam (the producers) have organised.
The farmers catch up for a pre-ball chinwag.
It's literally lots of yells of 'look out' while the boys say a bunch of cliche stuff about their week.
Lucky for us, there is a voice of reason - Farmer Andrew basically says he doesn't know the girls that well yet, because you know, they just met. And there's been a production crew there THE ENTIRE TIME.
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Meanwhile the girls play a game of croquet.
If I had a dime for each time I've enjoyed a nice round of croquet before a ball, I would have...nothing.
Off to the ball. FINALLY.
The fancy barn is surrounded by festoon lights, straw bales, cow hides, candles, cushions, fire pits and champagne, while country singer Taylor Moss croons in the background.
After seeing this magical set-up, I have one thought - what happens when these girls realise that actually country balls look nothing like this?
In reality, everyone stands around a cavernous, freezing hall, gets dejectedly drunk, yells at kids to stop sliding on the floor and listens to a local country band, which is made up of a tone-deaf family whose nan told them they have 'talent'.
Not-Nat Sam has informed them by the end of the night the farmers have to pick one lady to take on a romantic date.
The girls and farmers are thrust onto the dance floor for the most awkward dancing I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot - last year a chick headbutted a post.
Clearly the producers stalk out of camera view with a cattle prod in case anyone starts to look bored or uncomfortable - you know, like we look watching at home.
Every second a farmer and a lady is frog-marched to an Assigned Strawbale to have a private chat.
Farmer Matt and Olivia snog on a swing, Farmer Brenton has to go and ask permission from Sophie to take other girls on dates - and then snog. Farmer David and Lorelei snog, and Farmer Brad and Corista snog in a boat shed.
"He's such a good kisser," she gushes.
Yes, the producer who filmed it at point blank range can vouch for that.
But the rain starts to fall - and the thunder rolls.
Farmer Andrew's ladies are all crabby as heck. They make snarky comments at each other and Lucie calls bags on the first chat with Andrew.
You know when you see a mob of ewes through the fence from a ram that is about to put in with them? I reckon it was literally the same conversation word-for-word.
True to form, Maddison jumps in and drags Andrew off for the first chat.
LUCIE IS FILTHY.
"That's not fair. I asked first. No I'm not happy," she snaps.
"I just want to go."
And she stalks off into the windy darkness and squats behind a tree.
One chicks flies after her to offer comfort, but maybe she, you know, actually needed TO GO.
Once Maddison returns, dumptruck-driving Claire unloads on her. More thunder and dramatic music.
Lucie chucks a massive wobbly to a black-hooded producer who may or may not be the killer from Scream.
A fight that literally took four minutes has now taken up half the episode. After hearing about it all, Farmer Andrew stands aside questioning his life choices.
Eventually, the sweaty, wet, exhausted group are all pushed back inside for the Who Will Be Rejected Ceremony.
Farmer Matt picks Olivia, David picks Lorelei, Brenton invites twin Rachel, Brad selects Corista, and poor Andrew picks Jessie, the one not getting involved in all the drama.
The poor bugger looks like he has had enough, and takes Jessie's offered arm as she leads him away to cry in a corner.
Do you know who I feel most sorry for in this whole scenario? The Assigned Strawbale. That poor bugger thought his life was destined to be spread on a garden or in the cattle shed at the show.
But instead, his purpose is having to listen to flirty, high-pitched laughter and the word connection 1000 times. Let's be honest - he'd rather being pooped on by cattle.
