Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives 2023 episode 5: Lots of cat's bum mouths after romantic dates

You pick up the two-way. You think you know the answer and you dread to hear it, but you just can't help yourself?

That is exactly what happened on last night's Farmer Wants a Wife, when every group of rejected women puts the farmer or his chosen romantic date chick in a headlock and demands to know if they kissed, and then sulk when they find out.

We're promised some romance right from the get-go - sunrises, slow-mos of horses, Farmer Andrew doing some meditation by the dam with Jessie.

This is pretty much how it went.

"Feel the energy rise into your chest," Jessie coos in a husky, relaxing voice to Andrew.

In Andrew's head: "So If I bring that mob in today and drench them, I can put them on fresh feed. Oh hang on - that barb needed straining up..."

Yep - it's single dates day.

Farmer David is taking Lorelei on an adventure date, and I've got to admit - it looks awesome.

He is taking her for a hike up an absolutely massive rocky mountain he calls The Pyramids.

They hold hands and tackle the sweaty climb to the top. It's magical.

"You officially passed the girlfriend test," he declares.

Back at Farmer Brad's, he has a solo date surprise for Corista - a wedgie.

Apparently knee-boarding and getting your bald head sunburnt is a favourite pastime in Brad's family, so Brad and Corista get dragged along after a boat.

Corista attempts to look gorgeous while bouncing around like a sack of potatoes and getting mouthfuls of river water.

Farmer Brenton takes twin Rachel to his mate's winery. The lady helping them with the wine tasting tells them they should chew the wine.

Crikey - I have been doing it wrong for years.

They squish grapes in a barrel and pash.

Farmer Andrew is taking Jessie gliding.

This seems romantic until you realise they are in two separate gliders and can only talk through a two-way.

I reckon Andrew is just choosing dates that give him some alone-time.

"It's amazing!" Jessie says to Andrew over the two-way.

In Andrew's head: "Where did I leave that pair of strainers? I reckon I left them in the side-by-side. I need to remember to take them with me..."

But back at his farm, poop is about to hit the fan.

In a leafy garden surrounded by hills that in no way look like Narromine, Lucie is looking devo while she dramatically writes a letter to Andrew.

In a cracked voice, she reveals she has decided to leave the farm. Apparently her barney with Maddison was too much to bear.

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Meanwhile Farmer Matt and Olivia is going to the Junee Chocolate and Licorice Factory for a date.

BEST. DATE. EVER.

They get to make chocolate pizzas and flirt. I am beside myself.

Later they sit in the garden, talk about previous relationships and snog.

Seriously, STOP SNOGGING AND EAT THE CHOCOLATE PIZZA!

But the time has come for each dreamy couple to return to the farm.

The reception is pretty much the same across the board - the rejected ladies sit around trying but failing to look unconcerned while interrogating the couple about whether they snogged.

They fake-enthusiastically say things like 'I'm really happy for you' with a cat's bum mouth and tears in their eyes before going off and chucking full-blown tanties.

Even Matt and Olivia's chocolate pizza isn't enough to calm the cranky crew.

Farmer Andrew comes back (after finding the strainers), and sits down to do a quick tally, finding one missing from his flock.

Claire fishes Lucie's letter out from the couch cushion with some old chips and the lost remote, and hands it to Andrew.

He goes outside to read it in private - so the producers make him read it aloud to the camera.

Seriously, the poor bugger. Will you guys just go and strain that fence for him?

But a big decision is looming for the farmers - they have to cull.

This weighs on Matt's mind as he takes the girls to the saleyards.

Alice thinks this is the perfect time to show off her sheep knowledge.

"I want a black sheep," one girl announces.

"They're ONLY good for meat," Alice snaps back with a disgusted face. Take that, Suffolks.

But it's time for the cull.

Since Lucie already made tracks, Andrew is off the hook.

Brad shows Christina the door, while David takes Harry Potter's daughter for a chat and says she is probably better off at Hogwarts. She sobs in the bushes.

Brenton takes Breanna for a chat and asks her to head off. She takes it like a boss, which is more than can be said for the crew at Matt's place.

The announcement that Suffolk-hating Alice will be leaving kicks off an absolute frenzy of distress, where the girls ugly cry and scream out her name as she is ushered out the door.

Seriously, it's like someone ran over their dog. Or they can't find their strainers.