Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives episode 15: Farmers back together for season finale

As soon as we see slow-mos of each farmer walking individually down the drive in the Hunter Valley (is it a car-free road?), it becomes very obvious this is going to be a LONGGGG episode.

Kind of like when you get in the cab of the escort vehicle and realise the blooming CD player is busted.

The five farmers catch up for a beer on the verandah.

There's yells of 'Time for a beer, I reckon' and 'Long time no see' before they all start being coy about how things have gone with their lady.

Even though, let's be honest, I'm pretty sure they all have a mobile phone and may have learned how to send a text.

"Let's all go and talk about our feelings one last time," Brad announces.

"Don't run away Andrew," someone else says as they all head inside.

Sam Farmatage is waiting in the barrel room.

"I want to know if any of you have found a wife," she declares.

It is at this point it becomes apparent this will be her catchphrase for the next hour and a half.

It is, indeed, going to be a very long episode.

Kind of like walking into the shearing shed at 7.30am and only one shearer has turned up.

Anyway, it is Brad's turn on the couch first. We go through an excruciatingly long walk down memory lane.

Each farmer has clearly been given the instructions to pretend like things may not be going well to build the suspense.

He acts all weird about Clare wanting to move in straight away but he needs more time.

Sam Farmatage immediately assumes the role of Dr Phil.

"So she would move tomorrow, but you are putting the brakes on. Where does that leave you?"

Epic pause. And ad break. Sigh.

But all is well - Clare is there limping down the steps.

She rolled her ankle getting off a horse but it's all good. Once it's healed she's moving to the farm. WHETHER BRAD LIKES IT OR NOT.

Next up it is Brenton. He admits again that he pretty much chose Sophie from the beginning.

We limp down memory lane again, and he makes some comments about the honeymoon period being over.

We hold our breath ... not really - we're pretty sure she's there.

Sophie turns up, and they talk about the fact she has moved in.

She says she is not making any changes to the home - just small stuff. LIKE RENOVATIONS. Crikey.

Next we have a break from the excruciating slow crawl down memory lane, which I am pretty sure they could have wrapped up in five seconds but just getting the guys in one room, yelling 'are you guys still together?', waiting for a 'yes' and then just shutting the door.

But never mind - we head over to where lovely Nat is catching up with some couples from previous seasons.

Here we have Nathan and Amanda, Brad (the guy who famously said she had 'whoop-tang') and Stacie, and last year's Harry and Tess.

It's a lovely testament to how the show can help farmers find a wife - which Sam Farmatage has already said at least 76 times this episode.

Back to the barrel room! It's Matt's turn.

We see footage of him and Olivia merrily driving a tractor at home. Seriously - how long is the department of ag willing to wait for this guy to get his butt to Canberra?

Olivia turns up and Sam says meaningfully: "A little birdy told me Matt gave you some jewellery today."

Everyone looks shocked. There's a pause. And an ad break.

It's just a blooming necklace.

Far out.

It's a long episode - kind of like chipping burrs with a spoon.

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Next it's Andrew! It turns out Claire stayed on the farm. But they hit a bit of a snag - Claire had an accident off a horse and had to be airlifted to hospital.

But she's here, on crutches.

It soon becomes apparent that not one but two of the girls have been maimed by horses since being chosen by a farmer.

These savage attacks by the four-legged devils have proven what I have suspected all along - horses hate Farmer Wants a Wife.

Anyway, they are happy as pigs in mud and she's moving to Narromine.

Lastly, it's Farmer David's go on the couch. They start to set the scene that is hasn't worked. The suspense builds.

It's still really a long episode - kind of like tying on a fence with the runs.

But Emily is there. We expected to her to say she has also been trampled by a horse, but no.

She has moved in with Farmer David, and it's all lovely.

Sam Farmatage takes the opportunity to pretend that the efforts of the entire crew, farmers and ladies has come to nothing, and takes all the credit for herself.

"I don't don't like to brag, but hello!" she says, pointing at herself. "Five out of five. Just call me Cupid."

But it is all over - everyone is still together and they are sent off to dance in the dark. I'm also pretty sure, given the discomfort, there is no actual music playing at the time.

And that's a wrap - four farmers and one department of ag employee have found wives.